For you.

I hate that I was never as much of a part of your life as you are of mine. I hate that I gave so much of myself to you, and all of you did was say goodbye. I hate that when you try to hug me I can't even look at you in the eye. I hate when I'm about to let you go, you act like everything we had was a lie. And I hate that you never wanted me, yet you still won't let me go. I hate that when I found you, I wanted everyone to know. I hate that you broke me down so much that I spent a whole night in tears. I hate that even though I say I hate you, a part of me still wants you here.

Your love isn't mine

I am a mess in your arms as I stare at your face. I try to memorize the way your bones cut into your cheek like they're trying to make a point and I wonder if that gap in your chest ever makes it hard to breathe. You are so pretty. You are pretty in the way that blood can sometimes be the perfect shade of red. You are beautiful in the same way that my bed feels perfect for my body when I am too sad to move four days straight, I try to count the colours in your eyes, all dark brown and gold and sun, fighting each other for first place next to your pupil, and I wonder if you ever think of me like I think of you, and before that thought even finishes, I know the answer is no. But I smile at you anyway as you lean in to kiss me. Because I think your heart is very tender, even if it isn't mine.

I'm sorry but I love you

The intense love is frightening because everyday I fear him that one more thing that will push him over the edge. That one time of me rolling over in bed, teary-eyes, for no reason that could push him away and I know it upsets him. And I reassure him through my salty, blurred version that its not his fault. I'm often overcome with guilt and I hate that feeling about myself cause any pain on his part. Sometimes he's not really convinced, but I try as hard as I can with the little energy I have. But god i'm so thankful that hes still happy waking up to me every morning. And knowing that he's still love me even I hurt him a lot makes me so grateful.

“and when love came to us twice
and lied to us twice 

we decided to never love again 

that was fair 

fair to us 

and fair to love itself.

we ask for no mercy or no 

miracles; 

we are strong enough to live 

and to die and to 

kill flies,

attend the boxing matches, go to the racetrack, 

live on luck and skill, 

get alone, get alone often, 

and if you can’t sleep alone 

be careful of the words you speak in your sleep; 

and 

ask for no mercy 

no miracles;

and don’t forget: 

time is meant to be wasted, 

love fails

and death is useless.

and lied to us twice 

we decided to never love again
that was fair
fair to us
and fair to love itself.
miracles;
we are strong enough to live
and to die and to
kill flies,
live on luck and skill,
get alone, get alone often,
and if you can’t sleep alone
be careful of the words you speak in your sleep;
and
ask for no mercy
no miracles;
and don’t forget:
time is meant to be wasted,
love fails
and death is useless.
—  Charles Bukowski

You saved me

When I was fifteen
I was struggling to find those words
That lost in eloquence unsaid and I still am.
Struggle to understand what it was about
You simply being,
That went straight to my head.
Even now I've been struggling to find those words
But the worst part was to find me,
to find myself.
I was scared of everything,
I was naive
I'm scared to be in love again.
I was lost in the darkness where my demons are my best friends.
I don't even know how to describe how it feels like and
All i know everything was dark and i was really scared of falling.

I don’t want to be the perfectionist.
I don’t want the straight lines and dotted i’s.
I just want a boy to draw the night sky
On my thighs with his fingers,
The paint running down my legs
And forming puddles of stars when I walk.
I want this life to contain me, restrain me
Only for moment like a water jug until I spill,
Flooding every surface and seeping into skin.
After years I've been waiting for something miracle to happen,
There's a boy walked into my life,
and then it was you.

You saved me.
You saved me from a place where the dead lights thrive.
A please the heartless hunt the hopeful, just to make me feel alive.
You keeps the darkness where I can’t see it,
sprouting like flowers between your fingers
and I fit like bruises against your chest.

I'm sorry for being a burden to you,
I'm sorry that you have to take care of me
And i'm sorry that you have to change yourself for me.
The best part is that you taught me how to be strong,
You lead me to the right path,
You are the best thing that ever happened to me
And i am so thankful of what I've now, to have you in my life.
Thank you for showing me how to dance with darkness.
For bringing the dead inside of life.

Good vibes

Let me tell you something, your environment does not matter. Everything starts with you. You must forge yourself through your own efforts. I urge each of you to create something and make a success of something. That is the essence of human existence, the challenge youth. Herein lies a wonderful way of life always aiming for the future. Be positive as you can, be nice to people. That one simple smile can brighten up someone's day. Don't treat people bad, just remember that you should always treat people the way you want to be treated. Imagine treating someone so horrible, imagine it in your shoes. Would you like it? No? Exactly. 

gone

I remember when days was warm and buzzing and god, it is so good to wake up. And now sadness are my morning coffee and ur leaving was the drug i held onto and all i have is myself.

I remember when blanket was my security and ur love was the bed i laid in every night and i had you. Now nights are cold and bare and i am shivering from the emptiness u left me in god, it is even painful to fall asleep. 

I remember when the world was baked in grey, slow and lazy and my eyes open to sight of you, wonderfully mine and beautiful. Now my dawns are a blast of frigid air and i am left freezing as i realised u are no longer there and will never be anymore and god its really painful to wake up.

I remember every little thing and its a blessing and a curse bc its proof that i was once happy and now everything is gone and god, it's so damn painful to live.